Sickipedia

Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my close friends. I should be safe now.

"I'm tired of people telling me what I should do," I said to my wife. "I'm just going to tell them to fuck off." "You should try be nicer and see things from their point of view," she replied. "Fuck off," I said.

I hate standing in line. I wish the woman in front of me would hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

"My friends and family are coming over," I said, "hide all the silver and valuables." "Are they thieves?," asked my wife. "No," I replied, "They might recognise it."

Mount Rushmore used to be an area of unpresidented beauty.

I'm fucking livid that my daughter's Paki boyfriend got the shit kicked out of him by two racists. I paid for three.

An abused child phones Childline every minute. That little cunt needs a fucking good slap.

My girlfriend found out that I was an organ trafficker. "How can you do that," she yelled. "You don't have a heart!" "I've got four actually," I replied.

My girlfriend has the same name as my mum, which is quite handy when we're fucking. I don't have to worry about accidently calling out my girlfriend's name.