Sickipedia

I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny." Then I press 'Submit'.

I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.

When I was in prison I wrote a book on pieces of toilet paper. It's about all the handy things you can do with them.

My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said, "Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?" "No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

"What seems to be the problem?," asked the doc. "Well," I said, "the entrance to my arse is sore." "That's probably because you call it the entrance," he replied.

"I'm going to nail that cunt." What one Roman said to his mate about 2000 years ago.

The doctor said to me, "You'll be at peace soon." "Am I dying?" I asked. "No," he replied, "your wife is."

The bloke who scanned my items at the supermarket was rude, unhelpful and smelled like he'd been drinking. That's the last time I use the self checkout.

I don't often cook, but when I do... my wife stands in front of every fucking cupboard I want to get into.