Sickipedia

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

Whilst watching a violent movie, my wife grabbed the remote and changed the channel. "I don't want to see any blood," she said. "Then give me back the fucking remote," I replied.

On National Women's Day, the "Day without a woman" strike has shown what a valuable role they play. Thousands of men have been seen walking into sandwich shops with unironed shirts.

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. "Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

I was telling a gorgeous blonde at the pub that I'd recently lost my wife. She put her arms around me, pulled me close and whispered, "It'll be alright." "No, it won't, "I thought, "She'll find me soon."

I taught my border collie to count the sheep in the flock. Now all he does is fucking sleep.

I've been missing my wife a lot recently. The bitch keeps ducking.

I was being interrogated by a female police officer. "So, how many rapes have you committed?" "Eight or nine." "Which is it?" "Depends on how long it takes for your backup to arrive."

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

I was sick of my wife teasing me about my colour blindness and resorted to violence. I beat her dark grey and grey.