Sickipedia

I once dated a chiropractor. She was a real head-turner.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

The oil price has turned negative, as the world's drilling companies are running out of places to store the stuff. I hope no-one makes any crude jokes about this.

Every year at my house, the toilet ends up blocked on Boxing Day. Damn puppies never flush easily.

I got double-jabbed, and I've felt physically terrible ever since. I called Tyson Fury a cunt in the pub.

In these PC times, it's still okay to tell jokes about dwarves. They might get a little short with you, but they won't hit the roof.

Most of the rock legends of the 60s and 70s died young because of their utterly reckless behaviour. Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine. Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne. And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.

How many Pakis does it take to overcharge for a lightbulb?

Swiss lawmakers have urged prosecutors to assess whether gold gifts received by Donald Trump broke the country’s anti-bribery laws. Just as well they're only plastic fixtures from Home Depot sprayed with gold paint, then.

The inventor of the pop tart has died, age 96. Rest in peace Madonna.