Sickipedia

In my travels I came upon a Bedouin tent village. There were stalls - with people selling fruit, jellies, whipped cream, sponges. It was a trifle bizarre.

The body of a male Negro was found hanging from a tree in Arkansas. As well as the deep rope marks around the neck the autopsy showed the body had 47 stab wounds and 31 bullet holes. The sheriff stated that it was the worst case of suicide he had come across.

Q: What the difference between a freezer and a woman's fanny? A: A freezer doesn't go "squelch" when you take out the meat.

New Zealand transgender weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was disqualified from her Commonwealth Games event yesterday. Her snatch failed to impress the judges.

After the accident, late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He opened his eyes to find he was in hospital, in terrible pain, in the Emergency Ward with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask on his face, wires monitoring every function, and an attractive nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. She gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable - "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"

Rescuers report that the only medical treatment required for those trapped in the cave in Thailand was for the coach - who had a severely chafed penis.

A young fella pops in to the chemist and asks him for a supply of extra-strong Viagra. Says he's got three luscious girls coming around for the weekend - and knows he'll need to be prepared with significant 'medicinal support'. He reappears on Monday morning and shows the chemist a very battered, raw, blistered penis. "Can I have a large tube of Deep Heat please" he pleads. "Holy Smoke" says the chemist, "you can't put Deep Heat on that!" "It's not for my penis," says the lad, "It's for my wrist!. The girls didn't turn up!"

A scuba diver went missing off rocks, presumed drowned, and a team of police divers spent two days trying to locate the body. Three policemen arrived at his wife's house late in the afternoon and the spokesman told her, "We've got some good news, some very good news, and some very very good news." "The good news is that we located your husband's body trapped under a shelf of rocks about 20 metres off the shore." "Well thank goodness you found him" responded the distraught wife. "What is the very good news?" "Well -" said the spokesman handing her a sack, "the very good news is that when we attached a rope to your husband and pulled him to the surface - we found there were a large number of good-sized lobsters clinging to his wetsuit. And this is your share!" "Oh - " gasped the wife taking the sack. "And what is the very very good news?" "We're pulling him up again tomorrow morning at low tide - so if you'd like to bring the sack down and meet us on the rocks we could probably fill it up again!"

A friend of Donald Trump's told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night. There was a really, really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of happy people lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge! Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair OK?" His friend said "I couldn't tell. The casket was closed!"

After several years of living a life we didn't approve of, to our horror our son returned home from abroad to tell us he had contracted Aids. He didn't have long to live, and wished to spend his final days at home. Reluctantly we set him up in his old room, and for our own safety, treated him with caution. The doctor visited regularly - and after several weeks noticed an improvement in his condition. "What are you feeding him on?" he inquired. "Flounder and pancakes" I told him. "That's an unusual diet', he said. "Why did you choose flounder and pancakes?" "That's all that would fit under the door!" I explained.