Sickipedia

I sent my mate a photo of my girlfriend laying naked on my bed. "Feel like popping round and giving me a hand with this?" I texted. "Fucking hell mate!!!" he texted back immediately. "Too right I do, I'll be there in five minutes." That's a relief, because I don't think I could carry her body out to the car alone.

I asked my wife in the car on the way to Tesco whether she'd remembered her Bag For Life, and she just glared at me. She's so easy to wind up since the colostomy.

Could we have a little more respect for Ellie Goldstein, please? It's not her fault she was born with a condition held in such scorn and contempt. And on top of being Jewish, she's also got Downs Syndrome.

90pcrecycledmaterial wasn't the only one disappointed by Halle Berry's film of Catwoman. I watched it myself, for the reported sky-high body count. Turned out to be mainly sparrows.

Heard someone say I had a face like the back end of a bus. I just went past him without stopping.

We've had the undercard, Robinson v Kirk. Anyone know who Trump's up against in the main event?

I'm currently watching the football via Star Sports, sponsored by Tata. They specialise in steel, which coincidentally is also how I'm receiving the stream.

Just heard on the news, there will be a minute's silence before the charity shield match today. News agencies, please note: the day there isn't a fucking minute's silence before a Liverpool game, that will count as news.

With the new restrictions on porn access, be sure to use a secure private browser. I recommend FuckFuckGo.

My daughter insists she wants her pregnancy terminated, but I'm fighting her all the way. No baby of mine is going to be aborted.