Sickipedia

I asked my Jamaican friend if he had any jokes about frisbees and he said this one is circulating.

My girlfriend looked up from her crossword and asked "how do you spell 'paedophile'?" "Paedophile?" I said. "That's a big word for an eight year old."

I got badly drunk at the office party and spent the night with a girl from accounts. Apprehensive about going home I asked my neighbour to pop round and find out how angry my wife was. Ten minutes later he phoned back. "She's barely speaking except to scream what a cunt you are," he said. "She's got a face like thunder, there's broken crockery everywhere and you can cut the atmosphere with a knife." I sighed with relief and thought "great, everything's normal."

My Korean neighbour noticed me putting my dog in the car and called across to me. "It's very hot today," he said. "Whatever you do, don't leave him in there too long." I assured him I wouldn't, and thanked him for the advice. "You're welcome," he replied. "I've overcooked them myself, they go as tough as old boots."

Dubai's Torch Tower has gone up in flames. It's believed to be the first building fire to have been self-inflicted.

My wife opened her birthday card and found the ticket. "The Pamplona bull run!!" she beamed. "Do I need any special gear?" "All sorted" I replied, handing her the nose ring.

"Please don't upset yourself," said the doctor. "Premature ejaculation can be distressing, but it's easily treated nowadays." "I'm not upset," I replied, "but I still need that tissue."

"That's it then," I sobbed. "No more Glen Campbell." "I'm afraid so," said the barman. "Not until you settle this tab."

The group 10cc was named after the amount of semen in an average male ejaculation. Their tribute band don't play anything, they just wank over pictures of them and post it on porn sites.

The doctor came out of the delivery room and said "There's good news and bad, which do you want first?" "The bad news," I replied. "I'm afraid your baby is ginger," he said solemnly. "What's the good news?" I asked. "He's dead."