Sickipedia

I just bet on a horse called "Bukkake", It's a 50 to 1 shot.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Yesterday, I went to the Air and Space Museum. There was nothing there.

As a fat, hairy, older man. I enjoy going to Las Vegas for the prostitution. It pays for my vacation there, every time.

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed."What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not only a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "Really?, How does it work?" The drunk picks up a hammer, and gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the apartment wall screams, " YOU STUPID WANKER!!..it's 3:30 in the FUCKING morning!"

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my blood and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants.

After 4 Karate classes, I can now break a 2 inch board with my cast.

A golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God, no!, that's my good arm" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news? "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, there is just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection and want to masturbate, I also get a splitting headache.

Damn, my traditional Easter rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbor was at my door telling me some whiny story about his kid's missing pet.

Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes." Without skipping a beat, the old woman said,“Must be doing well...Only two left.!"