Sickipedia

I'm looking for volunteers for Help for Heroes. Cadbury need help filling the other three-quarters of the fucking tub. (And if you like this joke (or not), please donate a few quid to the real Help for Heroes this Christmas like I have - they have my total respect.)

I was on the phone to a young woman today, and on the other end, all I could hear was, ummm, aaah, errr, groaning and slurping and this carried on for four hours. And I'd only got to page three of Rosie Jones' PIP assessment.

Robert Mugabe once said "The only white man you can trust is a dead white man". Can you imagine what would happen if a white politician said "The only black man you can trust is a dead black man"? Aside from getting my fucking vote.

One rule for the rich, one for the poor. A video emerges of Charlotte Dujardin abusing a horse and it's called "an error of judgement". A video emerges of me abusing a goat and it's called "bestiality".

Vladimir Putin is 69. His assets total £150 billion dollars. He is now sitting in one of his 8 palaces. He owns a £100 million yacht and a fleet of luxury cars. He has countless mistresses young enough to be his granddaughter. A Russian conscript is 18. He earns 2,000 Rubles a month, equivalent to £17.50. He is standing on a street corner not knowing when a Ukrainian is going to blow his head off. He owns fuck all. His family don't know if he's coming back. Now which one is fucking nuts?

It really saddens me to read about Muslim grooming gangs, Albanian pimps, black muggers and drug dealers and thieving travellers. So I read the BBC news website so I don't have to.

Guardian headline: Everyone in Japan will be called Sato by 2531 unless marriage law changed, says professor. Real headline: Everyone in the UK will be called Mohammed by 2041 unless immigration law changed, says everyone other than the Guardian.

I was up in front of the magistrate for shoplifting. "You have been brought before me for the theft of £212.39 pence worth of goods from Tesco. I must make you aware, as the cost of goods stolen is more than £200, the penalty for shoplifting can lead to a sentence of up to seven years" said the magistrate. "£191.47" I replied. "What do you mean?" asked the magistrate. "I've got a Clubcard"

Apparently the plane on the Virgin Atlantic "I am what I am" advert has crashed killing all 7 men, 5 women and 224 fuck knows on board.

Graphene is produced from a single layer of carbon atoms making it the thinnest material ever made. Until today when I bought slices of bacon from Iceland.