Sickipedia

"I can't believe Dave's gone and I'm going to have to raise three children on my own," the young mother sobbed after the police officer informed her that Dave's truck had ploughed directly into a bus. "Don't worry," the policeman reassured her, "you won't have to do that." "What? He survived?" "No, but your children were on the bus."

Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

I hate women who put their makeup on whilst driving. On the way to work this morning a woman crossed three lanes without watching where she was going, ending up in front of me. I had to brake so hard that my phone landed in my cornflakes which splashed milk all over my newspaper.

I just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on. I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?". He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!"

It's Australia Day again and Aussies all over the world are banding together in abject patriotism to celebrate what it means to be Australian and pursuing all kinds of great Aussie pastimes: backyard cricket, drinking down the beach, a few frothies down the local... and belting the absolute fuck out of anyone who looks "a bit Muslimish."

If you're flying on an aircraft and you hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?" Your answer should always be "Yes". -If you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced. This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are: 1) Stop writing lists. B) Be more consistent. 7) Learn to count.

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.