Sickipedia

As the great white shark looked on in dismay, he saw his next meal had a broken flipper. Normally you'd think he would be excited, but everyone knows if the seal is broken you shouldn't eat it.

As I stood swaying from side to side at the Qantas ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?" "Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please." "You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk." I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast, during the Renaissance.

"I can't believe Dave's gone and I'm going to have to raise three children on my own," the young mother sobbed after the police officer informed her that Dave's truck had ploughed directly into a bus. "Don't worry," the policeman reassured her, "you won't have to do that." "What? He survived?" "No, but your children were on the bus."

Aw fuck, it's back. Now what am I gonna do with all these pilfered jokes?

I've gained two pounds in the last week. I cannot fucking WAIT to get to work on necking all those stray puppies.

Spencer Elden 1991: Little baby shamelessly pursuing money. Spencer Elden 2021: Big baby shamelessly pursuing money.

Torpedo Pronunciation: /tɔːˈpiːdəʊ/ Noun 1) Someone who uses The Onion Router to gain access to child pornography.

I should really go to sleep, I've been up all night playing Halo. I just really love that song.

The toilet at work has an air freshener boasting a "clean linen" fragrance. To be honest, it just makes the place smell like someone shit the bed.