Sickipedia

Is it just me, or are all gays fucking arseholes?

I was sat at the end of my bed today pulling off my boxers when I suddenly thought "I REALLY do fucking spoil these dogs.

I went into a bakers in Glasgow today and asked the counter assistant "Excuse me. Is that a macaroon or a meringue?". She replied "No love you're right, it's a macaroon".

Paddy and his wife Mary were having a romantic night in when things started to turn a bit kinky. Mary asks Paddy if he's ever had a 69 before. Having no idea what it is and wanting to try it out, Mary decides to show him and lays him on the floor. As Mary gets into position crouching over Paddys' face, embarrassingly she farts. She stands straight upright and hoping the moment went unnoticed she tries it again. Mary crouches down again and let's another one rip in Paddys' face. With this Paddy gets up and storms out of the room shouting "If you think I'm sticking around for another 67 of those you've fecking got another thing coming!".

Sideways smile?!

My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession. I'd better fetch the suitcase from the van.

I forced my son to change his pet hamsters' name to Paul Walker this morning. We found it dead behind the wheel.

I'm calling my wellies George Michael. They got sucked off in a bog today.

I searched the area for Miles. Still couldn't find the posh twat.

A tip for the lazy: Place each letter of the alphabet around your ironing board and let the spirits do all the work.