Sickipedia

I just love the smell of Grannies cooking. And that's why I torched the old folks home.

I was driving to Doncaster today when the the wife called me on my mobile. Wife: "Take care on your drive today babes. There's some fucking maniac driving the wrong way down the M18" Me: "Just one? There's hundreds of the bastards!"

Some woman collecting for charity outside our local supermarket approached me today and asked me if I could contribute towards the sickening and evil violence that women have to suffer due to domestic abuse every single day. So I head butted the bitch.

Some local yobs stole 20 crates of Red Bull from our local corner shop. I don't know how the bastards sleep at night.

I bought something when I was shopping in China Town earlier, but I'm returning it first thing tomorrow. This pan they sold me doesn't fucking fly at all.

I can remember being traumatised as a kid when I saw a woman with two dicks on one of my favourite shows. I don't know why, but Rod, Jane and Freddy just freaked me out.

A tip for the lazy: Place each letter of the alphabet around your ironing board and let the spirits do all the work.

Three soldiers make it through to the final phase to join the SAS. The commanding officer greets them and asks "Men, do you love your country?", "Sir, yes sir!" They all reply in perfect unison. The commander continues, "and do you love your wives?", "Sir, yes sir!" The men reply again. "Which do you love more? Your country or your wives?". "Sir, our country sir!". The commander says that he knew that they would all say this and informs them that each one of their wives are being kept in separate rooms and wants each one of them to kill their wives for their country to pass the final test and hands each one a hand gun. The 1st soldier hands his gun straight back and says there's no chance he could possibly do such a thing. The 2nd soldier enters the room. After a couple of minutes of silence he emerges sweating explaining that he loves his wife too much and hands his gun back. The 3rd soldier enters his room. After 5 minutes the commander hears 2 gun shots followed by a scream and an almighty crash. The 3rd soldier emerged panting and sweaty. The commander asks "What the hell happened in there soldier?!" to which the soldier replied "Well sir. That gun that you gave me was full of blanks so I had to beat her to death with the chair".

I threw a surprise indoor bonfire party for all the residents at the Grenfall Tower block today. You should have seen their faces light up.

I went into a bakers in Glasgow today and asked the counter assistant "Excuse me. Is that a macaroon or a meringue?". She replied "No love you're right, it's a macaroon".