Sickipedia

I start my new dream job on Monday teaching women to suck cock. I will be the head coach for the ladies local football team.

On the news, I saw a 59-year-old woman living in a van because she can not get a house. She needs to get on a ferry to France, burn her passport, and come back in a dingy.

When Spitting Image is aired this Autumn which news story will it be? 1) Spitting Image is racist as they are making fun of black people by exaggerating their features. 2) Spitting Image is racist as they have no black characters.

Advice for black people: You are more likely to catch Coronavirus than a lot of us so please take extra special care and remember to wipe the handle of your knife before as well as after.

If only the Kenyan airline stowaway that fell into a garden had landed in the wood pile.

David Walliams: Did you know they have taken Little Britain off all UK streaming platforms? Matt Lucas: Yeah I know

Diane Abbott is so far left she can't even wear a right shoe.

I am looking at Sickipedia when the wife walks in. Wife: Are you looking at porn again? Me : Yes

Dominic Cummings has now resigned but will continue working for the party from home until December. So Dominic, if you can work from home, why weren't you fucking working from home ??

I love watching the Olympics and comparing my performance to the athletes. The other day I watched the Triathalon and in 2 hours they swam a mile, cycled 28 miles and ran 6 miles. In that time I managed to drink a bottle of wine and eat a family bag of Doritos.