Sickipedia

I was at an 8-year-old's birthday party that I took my son to. I noticed the yummy mummy of the boy my son was playing with was gorgeous. I went up to her and said, "Seeing as we're both single, how about we have a little fun whilst the kids are playing?" "How do you know I'm single? I might have a man at home." "Nope you are single. Definitely. I know." "OK. You give me three guesses and if I can't determine how you know I'm single, we'll go out the back." "Deal." Said I, shaking on it. "Firstly, someone told you?" "Nope. I don't know anyone here." "Second, you looked at my ring finger?" "Nope with the amount of rings you've got on I can't see one from the other." "OK, it must be the way I'm dressed more glam than the other mums." "Not that either." "Alright, I give up." She said. "Well, it's quite simple. You're white and your son is black".

In the NEWS: A national search is underway for six stolen Shetland ponies. Police say they’re “rounding up the usual small suspects, starting with Warwick Davis and that saddle he was seen carrying"

Me and the wife were watching an advert for Cremations.com. We decided to take out a policy with them. This is so, god forbid anything happening to her, I can pay for her cremation. And also, god forbid anything happening to me, then she can pay for a cruise.

Nigel Farage, the leader of Reform, famously been photographed drinking his favourite pint, a Pint of Guinness. So despite not wanting foreigners in the UK he enjoys a drink that comes here from a foreign country that you have to let settle.

I've been shagging this really skinny bird. She is so skinny that what tits she does have are in single file!

When he was Southampton FC manager, one of the biggest complaints against Russell Martin was he bought all his mates to play for Southampton. With their new manger, Will Still, The Saints have made sure that doesn't happen again. Because Will Still is Ginger. And Ginger people have no friends

Hopes of finding out the reason for the Indian Air crash were dashed today as the Black Box they found turned out to be an Indian Woman's Vagina. "Fuking Sikipedia has ruined me" says Air Crash Investigator.

In the NEWS: Two men have been jailed for stealing a £4.8 million gold toilet from Blenheim Palace. Apparently, they really thought they could flush the evidence. Police say the thieves thought they had made a clean getaway, but only until things went down the pan.

Elon Musk has come out in defence of his photos. 'I was NOT giving a Nazi Salute', He said in a statement. 'I first touched my heart, then threw out love to the people there. I threw out love to the People of the United States. I threw out love to Joe Biden and the previous administration. And finally I threw out love to Donald Trump, on his inauguration as our Führer!'

That Gary Barlow has just stopped talking to me. He's blocked me on facebook, doesn't ring me back and ignores me in the street. Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.