Sickipedia

I was shocked when I heard about the terrorist attack in Manchester at the Ariana Grande concert. I thought what a terrible discusting thing to inflict on the people of Manchester. An Ariana Grande concert.

Have you ever noticed that no matter how close a dwarf is to you, they always look far away.

I remember the day i found out my mum was easy. 'Mum, why is it that my brothers and sisters are white, and i'm black'. She told me that what she remembered from the party, if I was born 30 minutes earlier, I would have been white. She then finished that if I was born 30 minutes later, I would have barked.

I think the police are watching me. Every breath I take, Every move I make, They are watching me. I think it's a Sting operation.

A tall blond woman is standing on the edge of a railway bridge. A tramp comes up. 'What ya doing?' he asks. 'Well, I've been stealing money from my company for years and tomorrow my boss wants to see me, and I can't pay it back, so i'm going to jump and end it all.' 'Well, as your going to do that, any chance of a fuck first?' 'Eeeeh, no way.' He looks her up and down, and then starts shuffling away. 'Where you going?' She asks him. 'Well, as i'm still horny, i'm going to wait for you at the bottom.'

The new Doctor Who series has been put back to 2019. Apparently she can't reverse the Tardis out of the Parking Bay.

So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me of the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. The I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered.

So there I was on my postal round today. It was a nice day and there were some nice looking women in bikinis and shorts so I wasn’t paying much attention when a cat ran out on me. I tried to miss it but hit it. I stopped the van and got out and looked behind me. There on the grass was a cat unconscious and breathing very slowly. I didn’t want it to suffer, so I took out the shovel we keep for snowy days and hit it a few times to finish it off. I was running late and didn’t want the owner to find it like this, so I put it in a mail sack and put it in the back of my van, and carried on, as I would give it a decent burial later. Anyway, I get back to the depot and the police are waiting for me. ‘We have had a complaint’ the sergeant said. ‘A little old lady has contacted us to say that her cat was asleep on the grass. Suddenly a post van came round the corner, skidded all over the road and came to a stop. The Postman got out, beat her cat to death with a shovel, put it in a mail sack and drove off. And we have traced this to being you!’ Before I could say anything another copper came in. ‘Looks like he’s a bad one Sarge. We found a dead cat in a sack in the boot, and another one stuck behind the front wheel.’

An old guy was in the park on a windy day when his hat blew off. He went to retrieve it when out of nowhere a big bull terror appeared and started ripping up his hat. He tried to grab it but the dog kept trying to bite him. The old man looked around and saw an big fat council house chav holding the lead. 'Oi' the old feller shouted. 'What the fuck do you want, you old coffin dodging cunt?' 'Don't talk to me like that . Your bloody dog just tried to bite me?' 'Yeh, so? What you going to do?' 'Well,' the old feller said, 'I could report him and he'll be destroyed.' 'Fuck me nah, don't do dat.' And the chav pulled the dog over and gave it a whallop on the head. 'There ya go .' The chav said, 'Fuckin' Dogs been punished for trying to bite yer.' 'But what about your Attitude?' 'My attitude? Nah, mate, it's your At he chewed.'

I'll tell you what insect is the most dangerous. It's that Hepatitus Bee.