Sickipedia

Patient - "Doctor, doctor! My mind is being plagued by irrational thoughts and I feel like I am going crazy!" Doctor - "In what way do you think you are going crazy?" Patient - "Well, I can't control my anger, and last night I beat the crap out of my wife in the kitchen. Then I kicked my daughter in the stomach because she was crying. There were voices telling me to do it. Bad voices. And, and..." Doctor - "Go on..." Patient - "And now I want to pick up a knife and go on a murderous rampage through town. These voices in my ear, they tell me to kill as many people as I can! Please doctor, can you help me!? Doctor - "Yes of course I can help you, but it won't be easy. First of all you need to stop going to the Mosque and reading the Qaran, Mr Hussein".

My first day on holiday in Greece and not only is it 40 degrees C, but some fucker has only gone and left a mini BBQ smouldering by the pool, right next to the kids club! Some kid could tread on that you know, and burn their foot! I mean how irresponsible can people be!? And now it is up to me to dispose of it in this punishing Greek heat, and the disposal area is on the other side of the hotel complex for fuck sake! But thankfully, I was able to fling the BBQ into some bushes at the back of the kids club. Talk about convenient.

I was on a safari in Africa with my family, watching various animals attack and kill each other, when suddenly a troop of angry, aggressive baboons attacked our jeep. The fuckers climbed on the bonnet, shat on the roof, smashed the wing mirror and even attempted to open our car doors. My family were screaming and petrified. Thankfully our driver, Abdul, was able to floor it out of there, and we managed to escape back onto the M25 orbital motorway. But his taxi was badly damaged.

After seeing a video of a 15 year old Syrian refugee being thrown on the floor at a UK school and then having water poured in his face, I can't help but think... If only that water was acid.

I was going to suggest we send SOSIJjockey to a concentration camp in a 3rd world country and throw the cunt in a gas chamber. But it turns out he lives in Glasgow. So we don't need to bother. P.S. Scottish football is shit! And your bagpipe is cheating on you with your mate. Just kidding, you don't have any mates. Clearly. Kens, kens, kens, kens. Cunt!

What do you call a black man who has a house, a job and his own car? A professional athlete.

I've just watched a documentary about that disgraced former Lost Prophet 'frontman' who molested kids and babies & had sex with animals. The vile fucking cunt! His name was Mohammed.

Why don't black women wear any knickers/underwear? To keep the flies off their face.

"Come on Dave, we've got to go out now". .... "Dave come on, you've been watching football all weekend long. We've got to go out now". "Shut your noise woman" I said, as I turned up the volume on the TV and cracked open my 5th beer of the day. "We're supposed to be there at 3 o'clock. I booked us in for that time. We're going to be late" she proclaimed. What did I bloody tell you, SHUT UP!" I shouted. "No, I won't shut up Dave. All you do is sit around drinking beer and watching TV all day. You never do anything for me anymore, and you never show me any attention. You're going to lose me soon". "Good" I said sarcastically. "You do my fucking head in!". "Dave, don't you care about me anymore" she said, with tears in her eyes. "No, I don't fucking care!" I snapped. "Just let me watch my fucking football woman". "Right, it looks like I'm going on my own then" she said with a tear in her eye. "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING CUNT!" I screamed at her. "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WATCH THE FUCKING MATCH, GET THE FUCK OFF OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!" The stupid bitch burst into tears and hurried out of the door. Finally a bit of peace and quiet, for a few hours at least... until the fat fucking cow gets back from her Chemo appointment.

I came home from the pub late one night, after a 12 hour drinking session, and stumbled through the door. The lights were all off so I made my way upstairs, swaying back and forth. Suddenly in a fit of rage I kicked open the bedroom door, jumped onto the bed and started smacking my misses about. I pummelled that bitches face and then forced her head down into the pillow as I violently arse raped her as she cried into the pillow. Imagine my shock when I woke the next morning in my daughter's bedroom. She was lying next to me in a pool of blood with a heavily bruised face, and her cot was upside down and her nappy missing. 'Oh God, not again' I thought...