Sickipedia

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend Miss."

My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 8 f'kin hours looking for it... No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.

I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

One day, the teacher asked her class, 'What vegetable makes you cry?' Little Johnny replies "a turnip Miss". "No Johnny' says the teacher, "Onions make you cry, not turnips." "No Miss", says Johnny, "Obviously you have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

A policeman came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. 'Is this your wife?' he asked. 'Yes', I replied. He said, 'I'm afraid it looks like she's been involved in a car accident.' 'I know, but she has a lovely personality", I replied.

Me: "Will I be okay Doc?" Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." Me: "I don't believe in any of that Astrology bullshit!" Doctor: "Me neither. My thermometer just broke!"

I had loads to drink last night, so before I went to work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath. Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me to leave the premises until I'd sobered up. "How did you know I was drunk?" I asked "You've still got a traffic cone on your head."

The divorce rate amongst my socks is astonishing!

I was showing my mate some of my grandfather's valuables in his living room after he passed away. I said, "this is his old knife, he stabbed a German with this!" My mate said, "What, in World War 2?"... I said,"No, last year in Majorca. They had a row over a sun lounger!"