Sickipedia

My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 8 f'kin hours looking for it... No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.

The doctor asked me “Do you experience any signs of paranoia?” I said “No. Why? Who told you to ask that??”

I think one of my Dads is gay?

They reckon Mike Mosley died of natural causes.... Covid.

As chairman of the Blind Society, I was accused of needlessly wasting money. So I arranged a big fireworks display to cheer everyone up.

How do you know if your girlfriend, is taking steroids? When she flips you over and fucks you up the arse with her clitoris!

What's the difference between Abdul Ezedi, needles and haystacks?.. The police flying eye can spot a haystack.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet. Worse than that my son Google agrees with her.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

I came home to find my sister in tears. "What's up?" I asked her. "Terry called me a whore today," she said. "No-one says that to my sister. Who the fuck's Terry?" I angrily demanded. "He's my pimp."