Sickipedia

"You're so childish" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!" "This relationship is what? Over"

I've just tried some of the Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were wonderful. I think olive salami is here to stay.

The paki in front of me in the queue in Tesco earlier collapsed of a heart attack and died... ...and as if that wasn’t funny enough, he’d just bought a bag for life

What has four legs and ten arms? My pitbull in a mosque

F.A.S.T. F - Face - Is the face black? A - Arms - Do they wander picking up objects not belonging to them? S - Speech - Are they saying "Bruv" instead of "Brother" T - Time - Time to call the cops. They are a Nigger.

Why do leaves change color in Autumn? Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.

What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Caddyshack? One had a Bronco pursuit and the other had Chevy Chase.

What decent weather we're having! It's about to change though, there's a shower of shit coming in from Japan.

My grandfather just died. In a way I'm quite proud of him. He died having sex with my grandma, he is 93 years old and was getting his thing on. Anyways my grandma said 'We were doing it on sunday morning, it was sunday because he could use the church bells to pace himself'. I think he would be alive today if an icecream van hadn't gone past.'

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office. I can't tell you how much this award means to me.