Sickipedia

Why do leaves change color in Autumn? Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.

What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Caddyshack? One had a Bronco pursuit and the other had Chevy Chase.

What decent weather we're having! It's about to change though, there's a shower of shit coming in from Japan.

My grandfather just died. In a way I'm quite proud of him. He died having sex with my grandma, he is 93 years old and was getting his thing on. Anyways my grandma said 'We were doing it on sunday morning, it was sunday because he could use the church bells to pace himself'. I think he would be alive today if an icecream van hadn't gone past.'

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office. I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

I had a paintball exam last week.. ..I passed with flying colours.

I got a strange text last night off a number I didn't know, I replied "Who's this?" I got a text back saying "Your worst fucking nightmare" Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

My wife suggested I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day Not really relaxing, as my eyes are on pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

I've just tried some of the Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were wonderful. I think olive salami is here to stay.

BREAKING NEWS Manchester United squad declares vote of no confidence in Phil Jones...