Sickipedia

Chicago police kill unarmed Adam Toledo. Not their greatest Triumph.

Gary Lineker says his eyesight is so bad, he can't see the other Match of the day pundits without his glasses. Confirming that being one does make you go blind.

My daughter's Violin Tutor asked to see me. He said she was getting a reputation in the group. I thought she must be ultra talented to stand out, until I was told her nickname. Straddled various.

Sunday Mirror: Shemima Begum weeps as she talks about the deaths of her babies. Next week. Rose West talks movingly as she recalls losing her lodgers. (Twitter)

I'm dreading the Queen dying. 1000 TV Channels 24/7 for a month: Her remarkable life of doing fuck all, began 95 years ago...

I was walking along the Riverbank, shaking my fist at a Kingfisher to scare it, when some dipstick birdwatchers asked me what I thought I was doing?. Idiots didn't even know that Kingfishers are a threatened species.

Boris is close to finishing when his girlfriend says 'You're not going to come inside me, are you, I thought we agreed?'. 'Oh for god's sake. Don't you fucking start as well!'.

ITV 10pm: Grenfell The Untold Story. One of them had a job...?

Lionel Messi sobbing with emotion, shows just how much he loves Barcelona. Not enough to take a pay cut, obviously.

It saddens me, that future generations will never know the thrill of finding a wank mag in some bushes.