Sickipedia

Fuck Me! England have actually sent some Africans home!!!

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person.” The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up.” “It’s ok,” said the woman, “my husband is working away until next week.“ So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman. They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens. “Shit, it’s my husband!“ she said. ”Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!” So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips. The husband comes in the bedroom, says “It’s cold in here!” slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground. The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital. “How are you?” she asked. “Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion, ”he said. “Oh dear!” she said. “Still, it could have been much worse.“ “Much worse?!” said the dwarf. “How do you figure that out?” “Well,” she said, “you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow!”

A Russian soldier runs up to a nun. “Please let me hide under your dress, I’ll explain later” The nun agrees. A moment later, two military policeman approach her and ask, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way” and off they went. The soldier crawls out from under the dress and says, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go and fight in the Ukraine” The nun replies, “I completely understand” The soldier then adds, “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you have a great pair of legs” The nun replied, “If you’d have looked higher, you’d also have seen a great pair of balls too. I don’t want to go and fight in the Ukraine either”

The Notting Hill Carnival has been cancelled this year but don’t worry, you can recreate the entire experience at home by simply banging saucepans together for 16 hours, taking a shit in your front garden, handing over your wallet to a complete stranger and stabbing yourself!

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met. They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows. She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life. She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session! In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?" He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

OLD TRAFFORD DONKEY SANCTUARY (Est. 2013.) From as little as £750 a year, you too can sponsor a helpless donkey. Like HARRY bought from Leicester for £80m, where his cruel Thai owners were forcing him to perform as a 'footballer' for as much as 90 minutes in the blazing sun, in front of a baying crowd. Or CRISTIANO, brought here at enormous expense because no one else wanted him. No one knows exactly how old Cristiano is, but he's certainly a veteran as he can scarcely move and is useless for any work. His food, vet bills and treats cost us over 500k a week. Or perhaps little LUKE or 'Fatty' as he is known to his fans. Luke has had such traumas that he's a compulsive eater, and often eats as many as 10 large sacks of carrots a day. Of course, you don't need to choose Harry, Cristiano or Luke. We have more than a dozen other donkeys some of them tragic cases. For example PHIL. Little Phil would have been put down anywhere else, as his vet bills are huge and he is rarely able to do any work. However, here at Old Trafford he is safe and can enjoy retirement with his friends. We are open on alternate weekends and many Thursday nights. Why don't you come down and enjoy the sight of our donkeys running aimlessly about our large field in Trafford, near Manchester? We have several cafes and a big shop where you can buy an expansive range of donkey memorabilia. Remember, every penny goes towards the upkeep of our donkeys and enables us to bring in more hapless donkeys from around the world to our safe retirement home. (Old Trafford Donkey Sanctuary, Registered Charity 16161616.) Patron: Mr J. Glazer. Temporary Donkey Superintendent Mr E. ten Hag. Donkey Superintendent Emeritus, Sir Alex Ferguson. Corporate Sponsors: FA Premier League, PGMOL, BBC, Daily Mail, Guardian, Mr Kok's Crispy Noodle Stall (Bangkok).

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot. I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?" "That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly. "What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked. "We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public…. Man Up! Just walk over there and slowly zip it up for him!

I woke up this morning and my wallet was missing… Straight away I knew it was Black Friday.

Man gets to heaven, and he’s amazed… It’s one vast, infinite room full of clocks. ‘What’s with the clocks?’ he asks St Peter who replies ‘Everyone on earth has their own clock. Underneath each one, you’ll see a name, date of birth and their occupation and when their clock stops, we know it’s time to go down and fetch them up.’ The man continues staring in awe when he notices out of the corner of his eye, the minute hand on one of the clocks suddenly spins around rapidly gaining an hour. ‘What’s that all about?’ he asks and St Peter says, ‘It’s a bit embarrassing but every time someone on earth masturbates, they lose an hour from their life, hence the hands quickly spinning around.’ ‘That’s incredible says the man, ‘Do you mind if I have a quick look round?’ ‘Be quick,’ says St Peter, I’m due to book you in’ The man’s gone for hours and St Peters getting worried but finally spots him, stumbling over the horizon of the vast, infinite room of clocks and he shouts out, ‘Where the fuck have you been?’ Man replies, ‘Sorry. Just looking for clocks belonging to Sickipedia Moderators.’ St Peter says, ‘Oh they’re all over there in the corner. We use theirs as extractor fans.’