Sickipedia

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met. They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows. She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life. She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session! In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?" He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

Please accept with no obligation, expressed or implied, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2023, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Great Britain great. This is, of course, neither to suggest nor imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country; also, this is not to imply that "Great Britain," as noted herein, is the only worthy country in the Western Hemisphere. May these heartfelt wishes be received with equal intensity regardless of distribution of individual wealth, documented carbon footprint, or perceived social privilege among the wishees addressed herein. This wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishees.

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot. I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?" "That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly. "What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked. "We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

Help Please. I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body and desperately need to meet a sympathetic and attractive woman, (under 25 please,) who can understand my plight, see past my penis affliction and initiate me into the joys of lesbian love. Please reach out and help a sister in distress.

Fuck Me! England have actually sent some Africans home!!!

There was a young man from Bicester Who tried to roger his sister She said Fuck Of That’s awful Besides it’s unlawful So she tossed him off whilst he kissed her

I ran into Tom Hanks once in London’s west end after a performance; what an incredibly rude man! I asked him for his autograph on my expensive theatre ticket stub and all he wrote was “THanks”

Just bought a bottle of Lemon Domestos... Rip Off! Tastes just like ordinary Domestos.

I woke up this morning and my wallet was missing… Straight away I knew it was Black Friday.

Man gets to heaven, and he’s amazed… It’s one vast, infinite room full of clocks. ‘What’s with the clocks?’ he asks St Peter who replies ‘Everyone on earth has their own clock. Underneath each one, you’ll see a name, date of birth and their occupation and when their clock stops, we know it’s time to go down and fetch them up.’ The man continues staring in awe when he notices out of the corner of his eye, the minute hand on one of the clocks suddenly spins around rapidly gaining an hour. ‘What’s that all about?’ he asks and St Peter says, ‘It’s a bit embarrassing but every time someone on earth masturbates, they lose an hour from their life, hence the hands quickly spinning around.’ ‘That’s incredible says the man, ‘Do you mind if I have a quick look round?’ ‘Be quick,’ says St Peter, I’m due to book you in’ The man’s gone for hours and St Peters getting worried but finally spots him, stumbling over the horizon of the vast, infinite room of clocks and he shouts out, ‘Where the fuck have you been?’ Man replies, ‘Sorry. Just looking for clocks belonging to Sickipedia Moderators.’ St Peter says, ‘Oh they’re all over there in the corner. We use theirs as extractor fans.’