Sickipedia

I’ve been trying to get an appointment to see my Doctor for absolutely ages. I finally saw him Monday at 2.30 and showed him the rash on my scrotum that had been worsening over these last 4 months. Miserable cunt completely ignored me and kept on pushing his trolley around Tesco…

Thanks to everyone for their concern. First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco's petrol station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1.

Thomas Tuchel is spotted popping into the famous Lidgate Butchers & Charcutier on Holland Park Avenue by an exiting Chelsea fan who says, “Thomas, you don’t want to shop in there; I’ve just spent £30 on two pork chops!” “That’s nothing,” replied Mr Tuchel, “I spent £97.5 million on a Black Pudding!”

The Mrs is a great horticulturist and I’ve promised her a 'white stemmed bramble' for her birthday but the only supplier I can find, only accepts telephone orders for plants in their Latin name. Really struggling with pronunciation so if anyone could please google the plant and advise, I’d be extremely grateful….

Jose Mourinho gets a letter delivered to his house in Rome. Opens it, it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Manchester United Football Club.. He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for years." No Jose sorry, but there’s no mistake...... You were the last person in the trophy room in 2017 and you left the fucking light on!"

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person.” The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up.” “It’s ok,” said the woman, “my husband is working away until next week.“ So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman. They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens. “Shit, it’s my husband!“ she said. ”Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!” So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips. The husband comes in the bedroom, says “It’s cold in here!” slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground. The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital. “How are you?” she asked. “Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion, ”he said. “Oh dear!” she said. “Still, it could have been much worse.“ “Much worse?!” said the dwarf. “How do you figure that out?” “Well,” she said, “you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow!”

I hate being ‘woke.’ Nobody likes a limp-wristed, liberal, snow-flake c***!

The Notting Hill Carnival has been cancelled this year but don’t worry, you can recreate the entire experience at home by simply banging saucepans together for 16 hours, taking a shit in your front garden, handing over your wallet to a complete stranger and stabbing yourself!

I like people how I like my tea…. In a bag under water.

BREAKING: Manchester United have completed the signing of Asian defender Abso Lute Lee No Wan. The first signing of the Ten Hag era.