Sickipedia

Man gets to heaven, and he’s amazed… It’s one vast, infinite room full of clocks. ‘What’s with the clocks?’ he asks St Peter who replies ‘Everyone on earth has their own clock. Underneath each one, you’ll see a name, date of birth and their occupation and when their clock stops, we know it’s time to go down and fetch them up.’ The man continues staring in awe when he notices out of the corner of his eye, the minute hand on one of the clocks suddenly spins around rapidly gaining an hour. ‘What’s that all about?’ he asks and St Peter says, ‘It’s a bit embarrassing but every time someone on earth masturbates, they lose an hour from their life, hence the hands quickly spinning around.’ ‘That’s incredible says the man, ‘Do you mind if I have a quick look round?’ ‘Be quick,’ says St Peter, I’m due to book you in’ The man’s gone for hours and St Peters getting worried but finally spots him, stumbling over the horizon of the vast, infinite room of clocks and he shouts out, ‘Where the fuck have you been?’ Man replies, ‘Sorry. Just looking for clocks belonging to Sickipedia Moderators.’ St Peter says, ‘Oh they’re all over there in the corner. We use theirs as extractor fans.’

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person.” The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up.” “It’s ok,” said the woman, “my husband is working away until next week.“ So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman. They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens. “Shit, it’s my husband!“ she said. ”Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!” So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips. The husband comes in the bedroom, says “It’s cold in here!” slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground. The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital. “How are you?” she asked. “Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion, ”he said. “Oh dear!” she said. “Still, it could have been much worse.“ “Much worse?!” said the dwarf. “How do you figure that out?” “Well,” she said, “you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow!”

A Russian soldier runs up to a nun. “Please let me hide under your dress, I’ll explain later” The nun agrees. A moment later, two military policeman approach her and ask, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way” and off they went. The soldier crawls out from under the dress and says, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go and fight in the Ukraine” The nun replies, “I completely understand” The soldier then adds, “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you have a great pair of legs” The nun replied, “If you’d have looked higher, you’d also have seen a great pair of balls too. I don’t want to go and fight in the Ukraine either”

Thanks to everyone for their concern. First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco's petrol station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1.

Fuck Me! England have actually sent some Africans home!!!

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon IS NOT up for a good time! What an awkward phone call that was….

The Notting Hill Carnival has been cancelled this year but don’t worry, you can recreate the entire experience at home by simply banging saucepans together for 16 hours, taking a shit in your front garden, handing over your wallet to a complete stranger and stabbing yourself!

Please accept with no obligation, expressed or implied, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2023, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Great Britain great. This is, of course, neither to suggest nor imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country; also, this is not to imply that "Great Britain," as noted herein, is the only worthy country in the Western Hemisphere. May these heartfelt wishes be received with equal intensity regardless of distribution of individual wealth, documented carbon footprint, or perceived social privilege among the wishees addressed herein. This wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishees.

Woman phones her Mum. “Mum, I’ve had enough…I’m getting a divorce!” “Why?” the mother asks, shocked. “Mum, all he wants in anal sex, I used to have a lovely little arsehole – the size of a 5p piece. Now it’s the size of a 50p piece!” The mother replies, “Sweetie, you have a lovely Porsche, a Platinum credit card, an apartment in Barcelona, the kids are in private school and you holiday at least 6 times a year… Do you really want to give all of that up for the sake of 45p?”

It must be an extremely worrying time for anybody who has dumped a body in a reservoir....