Sickipedia

She poured several crushed paracetamols into his bottle of whisky, thinking: "Now the loot from our robbery will be all mine." He came in from the garage, wiped oil off his hands and said: "The car's ready." "See you tomorrow at the airport," she said, and drove off. "Not with your brakes cut, you won't," he thought smugly, and took a large swig of whisky.

Ukraine urgently needs hard-working doctors, engineers and scientists. Britain can send some of the thousands who have been turning up in dinghies.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

At a health spa I couldn’t wear my glasses as it was so steamy, and I accidentally went into the women’s sauna. Suddenly, a dozen nude women come in, so I stood perfectly still in a corner. Fortunately, it was too steamy for them to see me properly. But they crowded round and said, “That’s a lifelike statue.” Then they stroked and caressed me, saying, “It’s very smooth as well.” They even rubbed their nude bodies against mine and said, “It feels very warm.” What happened next was inevitable, and they said, “It even dispenses hand cream.”

Angela Rayner’s new nickname is, “Three Pads”. I never knew she had such heavy periods.

English seasons: S A W S Summer Autumn Winter Spring Scottish seasons: S A W S Soon be Winter Almost Winter Winter Still Winter

Daily Mail: George Alagiah says, ‘Bowel cancer will get me in the end’. Some jokes not only write themselves, they do so without realising.

Caroline Flack was a real national treasure. Found on a desert island, and now being buried.

Yippee! I'm the winner of that Mega Millions $1.6 billion jackpot. I've just had an e-mail to confirm it. All I've got to do is send my bank account details to this agent of theirs based in Nigeria, and they'll transfer it in. The strangest thing is, I don't even remember buying a Mega Millions ticket.

Computer games are said to be a bad influence on kids. Nonsense - my generation grew up playing Pac-Man, but did we end up dashing around dark rooms and swallowing white dots while listening to electronic music?