Sickipedia

I'm drinking vodka and orange juice in tribute to Henry Vincent. I heard he has a special place in his heart for screwdrivers.

A couple of weeks after surgery, I went to my doctor and he asked what I'd been doing. I replied, "Just lounging around all day, looking at the internet on my computer, drinking coffee, texting my mates." He got angry and said, "I told you not to go back to your job at the council for at least a month!"

I have blue eyes. I got them from my dad. My mum has black eyes. She also got them from my dad.

People reckon I’m too patronising. That means I treat them as if they’re stupid.

I invited a girl on a date, but she replied, "I'll only go out with a man who's got twenty million in the bank, drives a Maserati and has a ten-inch dick." So I went away, then came back a few days later and said, "Right, I've reduced my bank balance from ninety million to twenty million, traded in my Lamborghini for a Maserati and had four inches cut off my fourteen-inch dick. Now will you go out with me?"

I wouldn’t say my wife is butch but when we fuck, she fantasises about MY sister.

Adele called her albums ‘19’, ‘21’ and ‘25’ because those numbers are significant to her. They were the only ones which came with rice.

BOEING - Broken Off Engine In Numerous Gardens

The Devil challenges God to a football match, Heaven V Hell. God says, “We’ll win hands down. All the greatest players who ever lived are up here.” The devil replies, “But I’ve got all the referees and linesmen.”

When my careers teacher asked me what I wanted to do after I left school, I told her I was going to become a male stripper. She replied, “If you work in that industry, you’ll see things you’ve never imagined.” She was right - the first time I performed, I saw her in the audience.