Sickipedia

I don't know why they call Crystal Palace the eagles. Their FA Cup team looked more like illegals.

A man has been arrested after the North Sea tanker collision. His solicitor has read out a statement from him to the press. "During the war..."

I was up in front of the magistrate for shoplifting. "You have been brought before me for the theft of £212.39 pence worth of goods from Tesco. I must make you aware, as the cost of goods stolen is more than £200, the penalty for shoplifting can lead to a sentence of up to seven years" said the magistrate. "£191.47" I replied. "What do you mean?" asked the magistrate. "I've got a Clubcard"

I don't know why dwarfs are complaining about losing acting jobs to CGI in the new Snow White film. They were only small roles.

I must say I disagree with the ratings that have been given to the Lionesses on the BBC Football website. I agree the centre back was a 7 but aside from a couple of cute ones, the rest were a bunch of munters.

Keir Starmer says he intends to go "further and faster". Lord Alli says not without more lube.

I was on the phone to a young woman today, and on the other end, all I could hear was, ummm, aaah, errr, groaning and slurping and this carried on for four hours. And I'd only got to page three of Rosie Jones' PIP assessment.

Once the Monkees took the Last Train to Clarksville. Now they take the first boat to Dover.

Annie Knight 'hospitalised' after sleeping with 583 men in six hours. I have an update. The 582 men that followed me are going to be hospitalised too.

Oh, to luxuriate in a cocoon of velvety warmth, nestled within the soft embrace of an inviting bed for an entire day—a haven where time slows and worries fade into gentle whispers. Imagine being greeted with a sumptuous feast, a breakfast so divine it feels as though it has been conjured by the hands of culinary angels, each bite a symphony of flavors designed to delight your senses. Picture the tender joy of receiving thoughtfully chosen gifts, tokens of affection that speak to the very essence of your being, each one a reminder of how deeply cherished you are. And oh, the bliss of being enveloped in unending care, attended to with a loving fuss as if the entire world exists solely to ensure your happiness and comfort. It is a day drenched in the sweetest of indulgences, a dreamlike reverie of unparalleled pampering and adoration Happy Illegal Immigrants Day.