Sickipedia

There's an advert on the TV for Vanish that says the worst time to find a stain on your clothes is when you're doing the ironing. Surely, the worst time to find a stain on your clothes is when you've been taken to the criminal forensic lab.

Blind prostitutes ... You gotta hand it to them

There once was a lady named Renee, who refused to get out of the way. When surrounded by Ice, she took her advice from her wife to put it in gear and drive away and that is why she is no longer here to this day....... I guess im a poet too

Yvette Cooper telling The Iranian government that they're out of order… …is like my Nan telling feral niggers in Lon to behave themselves, innit.

Dominic Sloppyslai

The first Barbie doll with Autism is now on sale. Personally , I blame the MMR vaccine.

A brand-new teacher noticed that the kids kept teasing one boy, calling him “Mikey the Moron.” During recess, the teacher asked why. One of the boys said, “Because he is a moron! Watch this…” He held out a large 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin. Mikey looked at both and—just like the kids expected—took the 50-cent piece. Later, the teacher pulled Mikey aside and gently said, “Mikey, the 50-cent coin may be bigger, but the one-dollar coin is worth more. You understand that, right?” Mikey sighed and replied, “Of course I understand that, sir.” “Then why do you always choose the 50-cent coin?” the teacher asked. Mikey grinned and said, “Because the day I take the dollar… is the day they stop giving me money.”

What's the difference between diarrhoea and a turd? You can't gargle with a turd.

A young couple were driving home one night. As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering. The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?" The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up." The lady then asked, "What about the smell?" The man replied, "I guess it'll just hold it's little nose!"

Darren Fletcher The worst caretaker since Ian Huntley