Sickipedia

I was working in the bank yesterday when my old teacher who always said I'd never amount to anything came in asking for a loan. I couldn't resist smiling to myself as he suddenly recognised me. I didn't say anything though, I just rinsed my mop and carried on cleaning the floor.

Had a hair extension done last week. Wish I'd gone for a traditional brick one now. Rain's getting in already.

The last thing my dad said to me was to call me a selfish prick. Dialysis machine or not, my phone was down at 20% and that's not a risk I was prepared to take.

The hotel I'm staying at is hosting a battered wives convention. Never realised cannibalism was so popular in Scotland.

I just watched Superman with Henry Cavill. "I'll be honest mate. I preferred your version," I told him.

Jellyfish swarm forces French nuclear plant to shut. Proving that the French have less backbone than creatures without a backbone.

A fella walks into a pub and orders a pint with a whisky chaser. He downs them both and orders another round. "What's the occasion?" asks the barman. "I'm celebrating," he replies. "My girlfriend doesn't have to wear nappies any more." "What the fuck!" the barman says, horrified. "Calm down mate it's not what you think. She got Crohn's disease which made her incontinent, but now they think they've got it under control." "In that case, have that round on the house," says the barman, breathing a sigh of relief. "Cheers mate. It's a new drug they're trialling. Had to fight to get her on it mind." "Why's that," he asks. "Doctors don't usually recommend it for the under ten's."

Former world snooker champion Graeme Dott is to stand trial charged with child sex abuse. Sounds like he was attempting a screw on the tight pink.

I wasn't at all sure how Dad would react when I told him I was gay. I certainly didn't expect him to whip his cock out and ask me to prove it.

I'll never forget my old Dad's last words to me. "Don't unplug that one you idiot! That's my life support mach..."