Sickipedia

Following on from actor Eddie Redmayne's apology for playing a transgender character in 2015 film The Danish Girl, a role which many weak minded woke cunts believe should have gone to a genuine transgender actor, I would also like to apologise for my portrayal of the Innkeeper in my primary school nativity play circa 1969. Clearly I was neither a native of Jerusalem nor did I hold any kind of license to serve alcohol.

BBC News - A man from Lancashire has been shot by police in Texas. Fuck me, that's one hell of a good shot.

I got called into school by my 8 year old's teacher. When I got there I found myself in a room with him and the headmaster. "We asked the class to draw something that they liked to do with their parents, and Tom drew this," he said, sliding a piece of paper towards me. My blood ran cold as I looked at the picture. Despite the childish depiction, there was no doubting what the drawing was showing. "Look," I stammered, "It was only the one time and I can assure you that it won't happen again." "It's a little late for that don't you think?" remarked the headmaster, "I think this is a clear case of child abuse." "OK, OK! So I took him to see Tottenham Hotspur play for fucks sake, but I got the tickets free from a bloke in work."

"Can I have a coffee please." "A coffee?" he laughed, "Sir, this is Costa so you're going to have to be a bit more specific." "OK. Can I have a coffee please you pretentious condescending cunt."

Certain disability groups are having their state benefits removed. Thalidomide's are up in hands about it.

This is a message to the teacher who said that I'd never amount to anything. That was just a lucky guess bitch.

I had a phone call from my son's headmaster. "I'm afraid to tell you that a group of Asian lads ganged up on Michael and stuck his head down the toilet." "Little bastards. Is he OK now?" "Unfortunately not. They cut it off first."

"I want you to come over here and do me up the shitter," she demanded. Even as I was unbuckling my belt I couldn't help thinking that Nan's dementia was definitely getting worse.

I didn't want to make a dick of myself when I first met my girlfriend's posh father, so I was relieved when he put some music on and asked my opinion on Vivaldi's Four Seasons. Oh thank fuck for that, I thought... he likes Italian football.

I call my brother The Mongolian. He's got Down Syndrome and his name's Ian.