Sickipedia

"That's amazing Holmes!" Dr Watson exclaimed, "You were able to deduce that the butler was the only suspect simply based on the position of the sun and the amount that parsley had sunk into the butter on a warm day?" "Well, yes... that and the fact that he was black."

I was going to write a football joke, but Arsenal beat me to it.

The boss called me into his office. "Dave, we've got a new starter next week. He's thalidomide so he's going to need a bit of support from you." "Thalidomide! Are you kidding me? How's he going to type up reports?" "No problem. He's got an adapted keyboard that allows him operate a computer as well as anyone." "OK... What about answering the phone?" "Again, no problem. All his calls will be routed through his PC." "What support does he need from me then?" "C'mon Dave, think about it... Everyone needs to go for a shit in work from time to time."

Following the purchase of Wordle by the New York Times, the owners have announced they will be releasing a new two letter version of the word game so that Trump supporters can play too.

Labour MP Rosie Duffield came under fire after supporting online criticism of a tweet, which referred to "individuals with a cervix" to be inclusive of trans men rather than just women. The incident was called transphobic by trans rights supporters. It's official... we're all now living in a Monty Python movie.

I knocked on my neighbours door. "There's dog mess all over my drive." "Oh yeah, jump to conclusions again," he said, "What makes you think Harvey's responsible?" "Because I'm pretty sure I recognised him just before he disappeared under the car."

I've got a lovely treat lined up for my girlfriend's birthday later. I'm going to wash my cock.

Rape victims. Avoid unnecessary discomfort by graciously accepting the offer of lubricant rather than persisting with the undignified sobbing.

Following on from actor Eddie Redmayne's apology for playing a transgender character in 2015 film The Danish Girl, a role which many weak minded woke cunts believe should have gone to a genuine transgender actor, I would also like to apologise for my portrayal of the Innkeeper in my primary school nativity play circa 1969. Clearly I was neither a native of Jerusalem nor did I hold any kind of license to serve alcohol.

Retribution has been promised against the "so-called" Islamic State terrorist group ISISK for the attack on Kabul Airport by the "so-called" President of the United States, Joe Biden.