Sickipedia

Apparently, Fifty Cent's name before his fame was Arthur Dollar.

What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe? One's got hydraulics, ...

Fellow Sickipedians, Remember how to deal with that annoying kid at school? Yep, JUST IGNORE HIM. He'll soon get bored and go away. And remember how to make the problem infinitely worse? Yep, REACT AND SHOW IT'S AFFECTING YOU. If we can't moderate it, let's just IGNORE it. Now, raise your left hand, and repeat after me: "I, (your name), vow to ignore trolls on here. I will take the moral high-ground and not reply to troll quotes, react to vote downs, or copied user names. In the name of Bellendus, God of Sickipedians, grant us strength and deliverance from this pestilence, this day and for all eternity." For the sake of everyone's sanity, vote this up so everyone sees it. Thanks.

A husband and wife were building up to making love. Suddenly the dog interrupted them and ate their condom. Horrified, the husband called the local vet for advice. "I'm sorry to bother you so late," said the man, "but our dog has just eaten a condom. Can you help please?". The vet replies, "Well this is unusual. I think I better come out to see you. Meanwhile, keep the dog still, and make sure it doesn't wag it's tail." The grateful husband gives the vet their address and they end the call. A few minutes later, the vet's telephone rings again. "Hi there, it's the chap from earlier with the dog who swallowed our condom. I'm pleased to say it's a false alarm. We've found another one in the drawer."

Thank God that Jeremy Hunt is no longer in charge of the BHS.

GERMAN JOKE BOOK CLASSICS Vol 1 Knock, Knock. "Who's there?" "Doctor" "Doctor who?" "Dr Schmidt" "Oh, hello Dr Schmidt, do come in". Q: What do you get if you cross an aardvark with a cockerel? A: Sadly, nothing at all, due to the mechanisms of reproductive isolation which prevent breeding with other species. "Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "I'm very sorry sir, I'll return this to the kitchen immediately for a replacement." A horse walks into a bar. The bar manager immediately calls the local veterinary centre. Q: What's black and sticky? A: Tarmac in hot weather. Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? A: Mr Seagull Head.

"The name's Bond, James Bond, innit."

The Royal Mint are releasing a new 50p coin next year to commemorate Brexit. In response, leading "remoaners" are organising a march in London to protest against people using money to buy things.

Why wasn't Guy Fawkes black? Because fire works.

I sincerely hope that nuclear war does not break out in India and Pakistan. My broadband contract expires next month, I've just had an accident that wasn't my fault, and I was missold PPI yesterday.