Sickipedia

When I found out I had colon cancer, I was devastated to find out it had already destroyed 50% of it. So technically it's now semi-colon cancer.

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player. Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

What do you get if you cross a travellers caravan site with an expensive mobile phone? Stabbed.

I've just meet a girl who's shit at multiple choice tests. She ticks all the boxes.

For many men, porn isn't just a pastime, it's become a knob session.

After incorrectly inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of my wife from behind me. This voodoo doll is fucking amazing!

I've just discovered my girlfriend swings both ways. I found her hanging in the attic.

The tube announcer just said "The next station will be Oval" But it was oblong like all the others.

A girl looked at my hands and said "Ah, you must be a single guy!" "How'd you guess? No wedding ring?" I replied sarcastically. "No, one palms much shinier than the other" she answered.

After watching the AJ fight, Tyson Fury has overhauled his training regime and ordered in kebabs, Guinness and 5lb of Columbia's finest.