Sickipedia

I remember getting battered by my dad on Halloween when I was a kid. He told me I could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So I did as he said. When he came in to check on my progress, he screamed "You've ruined the bloody table! And you've even spelt pumpkins wrong!"

I've just discovered my girlfriend swings both ways. I found her hanging in the attic.

When I joined the army I thought it'd make a man out of me. But every morning I ended up having boiled eggs with soldiers.

he first baby shower happened in 1940. At Auschwitz.

Someone sent me a pipe bomb through the post. Luckily I survived because I quit smoking a pipe last year.

When I found a milkmans hat inside our bedroom closet, I knew my wife had been cheating, so I decided to write a book about it. It's called The Lyin' Bitch & The Wardrobe.

"Daddy, you know we eat parsnips?" "Yes dear?" "Well, is there such thing as a fullsnip?" "Indeed there is! After you were born mummy made me have a fullsnip!"

Applied for a job at a blood bank but the manager said my CV had too many spelling errors on it. He must be typo negative.

During Bonfire night, the biggest explosion I ever heard was: "25 quid! For me and my kids to watch some bloody wood burn! Piss Off, we'll watch from over the fence!"

What do you get if you cross a travellers caravan site with an expensive mobile phone? Stabbed.