Sickipedia

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player. Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

The tube announcer just said "The next station will be Oval" But it was oblong like all the others.

I was teaching my young lad to cook spaghetti bolognese, he asked "How do I know when the spaghetti is ready?" "Ah, that's the magic bit! You throw it at the wall and if it sticks, it's ready!" I smiled. From over my shoulder I heard the clatter of a pan hitting the wall, then a voice said "Some of it stuck..."

Since I met my new girlfriend she's had me eating pussy every day. She's Korean.

After watching the AJ fight, Tyson Fury has overhauled his training regime and ordered in kebabs, Guinness and 5lb of Columbia's finest.

I lost a very good friend this morning. Just found her on the alcohol aisle, as you were.

I watched a Jeremy Corbyn interview, it was another long rambling one. Who the fuck wants to hear about his hiking exploits?

I've got an on/off girlfriend. She's on charge at the moment.

I meet a woman once a week purely for tantric sex. We're fuck Buddhists

I just went round to my elderly neighbor's to chew the fat. I'll have to go again at teatime tomorrow if he doesn't find his false teeth.