Sickipedia

Nothing says “Summer’s Coming” like an announcement from the police that they’re heading off to Portugal for a few weeks to search a new location for Madeleine McCann.

The autocorrect on my phone hasn't got used to me yet. It still thinks I like watching canal fishing videos.

Police have arrested an Eskimo on suspicion of rape. They want to know what he was doing on the night of September to April.

I was doing a spot of gardening yesterday when I noticed some of my flowers had died. As a mark of respect, I went out and tied a member of my family to a lamppost.

I've always been unlucky in my love life so I ordered a book from Amazon called "How to Woo". The cunts sent me volume 2 of the Beijing telephone directory.

"Always the bridesmaid, never the bride." A handy rule of thumb when trying to pull at weddings.

Carlsberg don't do Alzheimers. Just exceedingly good cakes.

The wife and I have just been to the cinema to see that film 'Suffragette'. Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.... Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car, we rushed in and caught the end credits.

Charles and Camilla weren’t wearing seatbelts in the Royal Carriage today. What a nice tribute to Diana.

The Sun is promoting its "Holidays for £9.50" event again. On the positive side, you can get yourself a holiday for £9.50. On the negative side, you'll be going on holiday with a lot of Sun readers.