Sickipedia

After spending five nights in intensive care, Bruce Forsyth has returned to his secluded home in Surrey. A home so secluded, in fact, that even the Grim Reaper can't fucking find it.

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs": Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda. The Exploder.

There have been no serious floods this winter which can only mean one thing. They've finally stopped Michael Schumacher from drooling.

I've decided to stop posting sexist jokes because women find them too complicated.

In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park. In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.

I was a little surprised when I learned "pain au chocolat" wasn't French for anal. Not half as surprised as the girl serving me in Greggs.

Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious source of food for garden birds. It also serves as a warning to other coconuts to keep the fuck away from your garden.

What's green, smells awful and gets lots of sex? Beats me. I just found it decaying in an underpass.

My wife went fucking mental earlier when I called her a big fat rhino. She was screaming and shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun and threatening to beat the fuck out of me. I just stood there, frozen to the spot. Which was the safest thing to do as her vision's based mainly on movement.