Sickipedia

After a few beers on the way home, I walked into the house, smiled at the wife and asked, "Fancy a tipple?" She looked at me in disgust. "I don't want a drink and you've had quite enough." "No, love." I replied, "I said: Did you fancy a tipple?" Then I pushed the fat cunt over.

Tommy Robinson was asked to leave a London restaurant after staff felt “uncomfortable” about serving him. A spokesman for the restaurant said it had nothing to do with his political beliefs and it was just because he was a cunt.

Vladimir Putin says a ceasefire should "remove the underlying causes of this crisis". So he’s going to have himself shot, then?

I've thought of a good property TV show marketed at gypsies. It's called Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, Relocation.

Every time I scratch my arse I think of Abba. The winnet takes it all.

We had an unexpected knock on our door this morning. It turned out to be a door-to-door giraffe salesman. I said to him: "Coming round here on Christmas Day? You've got some neck."

Jilly Cooper has died at the age of 88 following a fall. She fell into the arms of the Grim Reaper. His bony arms belied his strength as he cradled her like a timorous kitten. His eye sockets like unplumbed depths held her mesmerised as she felt her former life dropping away to be replaced by a hunger, a need, to be with him for all eternity. He leaned in as she arched her neck ready to receive his kiss. The kiss of Death. The kiss of Life. The only kiss that would ever matter to her again.

I went to Bangladesh yesterday. But Ladesh wasn't in so I banged her sister Kishana instead.

I’m not saying that the owners of Tottenham Hotspur are Jewish but they’ve just sacked Ange Postecoglu after being forced to pay out player bonuses for winning a trophy.

My son is training to be an electrician but keeps getting electrocuted. I think it's just a phase that's going through him.