Sickipedia

I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so i tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck. I'm in A&E now waiting to see a cardyologist.

England the fourth best football team in the world. Scotland the fourth best football team in the UK.

Sickipedia was down all of Friday night. I'm guessing it was a very frustrating evening for 'Hannah' who had to find another use for her fingers.

The first rule of Norman Collier club is ou alk ut orm er club.

I wonder how Bruce Forsyth and Yoda would have greeted each other?

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from London, another is from Liverpool, and the third is from Aberdeen. All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me." The Liverpool contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me." The Aberdonian doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,900." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Aberdonian whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from London to do the job." "Done!" replies the government official. And that is what Carillion did!

I don't normally defend Tory MP's but apparently after watching the porn on his parliamentary laptop. He did get the Latvian plumber deported.

RIP Hugh Hefner. He'd seen more cunts than the turnstiles at old Trafford.

There are so many headlines highlighting Muslim and Paedophile groups grooming kids, but what about these perverts who blatantly flaunt dog grooming?

Bakers who have 'Do not squeeze the baguettes' signs in their shops: I feel your pain.