Sickipedia

Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

Do you know what separates us from the animals? The English Channel.

I asked some African Americans what material I should use to make Black Lives Matters t-shirts. They picked cotton.

They say that one out of every four people has the potential to be a serial killer. So I killed three of my close friends. I should be safe now.

"I'm tired of people telling me what I should do," I said to my wife. "I'm just going to tell them to fuck off." "You should try be nicer and see things from their point of view," she replied. "Fuck off," I said.

I told my gorgeous blonde patient that she was pregnant. "How is that possible?," she asked, "I came in for a minor operation." "It's a side effect of the anaesthetic," I replied.

I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight," I replied.

I hate standing in line. I wish the woman in front of me would hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

As I was paying at the till, she asked, "Would you like a bag for that?" "No," I replied, as I put the goldfish in my pocket.