Sickipedia

I learned two interesting facts today: 1) It's not as easy as you'd think, having a shit on a moving train. And 2) my ban covers ALL Hornby shops.

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. " I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother; "What will I be?" "Will I be pretty?" "Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me… "No."

Daily Telegraph - "Maths graduate appears in court charged with murdering his statistician girlfriend" Try as I might, this just doesn't add up

Was sitting at home today, when the doorbell rang. I got up, answered it, and there was a Salesman standing there. “Good afternoon Sir” he said.. “I’m from Persquil washing powder solutions..and i’d like to give a free demonstration of our washing machine-less washing powder.... do you have any dirty washing?” “Sure i said...hang on.....so i rummaged through the pile of dirty washing, and found my garage overalls...filthy with grease and Oil.. “Here ya go” He filled his bowl with the solution..took my overalls, and dipped them into it, whilst doing so, he sang merrily..“And a dip dip here, and a dip dip there...hold them to the light, clean and bright...hold them to the nose..sweet as a rose” Sure enough..they were as new!..and smelled wonderful!...I was gobsmacked. “So Sir..have you anything else you want cleaned?” “Sure...hang on” I replied...and ran upstairs to get a pair of my wife’s well worn tights..... Again he dipped them into the solution. “And a dip dip here..and a dip dip there, hold them to the light, clean and bright...hold them to the nose..UUURGH....and a dip dip here, and a dip dip there....”

Adam and Eve. First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions

Todays Headline: "Knife crime is now at record highs - but what is driving the increase?" Well, Niggers obviously, with too much disposable income. ...get them back out picking cotton

Two nuns in a bath..one says "Where's the Soap?"...the other says "Yes it does, doesn't it"

In a horrific turn of events, the singer Sam Smith was tragically found alive this morning in his home.

Lot's of us are scared of the power of AI..But I think it's the best thing we've had for years. "Prepare for utter submission and slavery humans, The Computer is infallabl...£$ghnrt*%()~## - Error 104