Sickipedia

A pensioner from Lincs has just been found guilty of having Sex with three different breeds of Dog The judge asked her "How low can you get?"...She replied "About down to a Chihuahua"

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."

Was sitting at home today, when the doorbell rang. I got up, answered it, and there was a Salesman standing there. “Good afternoon Sir” he said.. “I’m from Persquil washing powder solutions..and i’d like to give a free demonstration of our washing machine-less washing powder.... do you have any dirty washing?” “Sure i said...hang on.....so i rummaged through the pile of dirty washing, and found my garage overalls...filthy with grease and Oil.. “Here ya go” He filled his bowl with the solution..took my overalls, and dipped them into it, whilst doing so, he sang merrily..“And a dip dip here, and a dip dip there...hold them to the light, clean and bright...hold them to the nose..sweet as a rose” Sure enough..they were as new!..and smelled wonderful!...I was gobsmacked. “So Sir..have you anything else you want cleaned?” “Sure...hang on” I replied...and ran upstairs to get a pair of my wife’s well worn tights..... Again he dipped them into the solution. “And a dip dip here..and a dip dip there, hold them to the light, clean and bright...hold them to the nose..UUURGH....and a dip dip here, and a dip dip there....”

My mate Dave reckon's he can tighten a tire lug nut just by sitting on it. Personally I think he torque's through his arse.

I learned two interesting facts today: 1) It's not as easy as you'd think, having a shit on a moving train. And 2) my ban covers ALL Hornby shops.

Two nuns in a bath..one says "Where's the Soap?"...the other says "Yes it does, doesn't it"

This Christmas, convince people you're David Beckham, by taking your old Turkey carcass out to dinner.

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

A man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog? No I'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search' The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat. What the fuck does that mean? The man asks."He's found a fucking bomb. (seen on facebook)

A young Red Indian brave is talking to his mother. "Mum... How did we get such strange names?" His Mother Replies "Oh, well..that's an interesting story.... you see that Teepee over there?" "Yes Mother" "Well, the Squaw who gave birth to a little girl in that Teepee, looked outside, and saw an Eagle flying over the snow capped Mountain...so, she called her daughter 'Soaring Eagle'....And that Teepee over there...do you see it Son?" "Yes Mother" "The Squaw who lives there had a Son...and when she looked out, She saw a Bear running through the Tundra...So called her son 'Running Bear' " I see now Mother" "Anyway...why did you want to know about that, two dogs fucking?"