Sickipedia

I have a new starter businee idea that going to go viral. It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women. I'm calling it: Cadaviar.

On the tenth anniversary of 3 year old April Jones disappearing, with still no sign of her being found, the government have agreed to rename the months next year to raise awareness of child abduction. Next years months will now be: January, February, March, April, May, Be Dead.....

My advertising idea for a new brand of evergy saving lightbulbs has just been picked up by a major advertising agency: "These low energy bulbs, will blow as often as your wife does"

As I sprung through the door at the O2 Arena, with my erect cock in my hand shouting "Expelliarmus!" with a sea of 12 year old girls in front of me.... I suddently realised it wasn't a Wand Erection event.

COLLEAGUE: Do you know the wifi password? ME: Sorry no, ask the receptionist COLLEAGUE: She won't tell me ME: Then offer sexual favours COLLEAGUE: Then she DEFINITELY won't tell me ME: Then threaten rape

COLLEAGUE: Explain to me again the difference between your and you're. I can't remember ME: Your is possessive. As in your phone, your desk, your car. You're, is a contraction of "you are". As in, you're a fucking moron.

Nigel finds an old lamp when clearing out his loft. As he rubs the dust off a genie pops out: "Fuck's sake you prick. I'm shagging my missus in here. Make your wish quick, before her cunt dries up": said the genie. So Nigel makes his wish and the genie disaappears. Hours pass and nothing happens. Nigel keeps checking and still his wish hadn't been fulfilled. After several more hours he's all but given up when a knock comes at the front door. Nigel opens it to see a sea of men, all wearing white cloaks with white pointy hoods. "What the fuck do you want?" said Nigel, pretty pissed off with how his day had gone. "Well," said the closest of the men: "The genie said you wanted to be hung like a nigger"

My colleague told me today he loved bank holiday weekends with a Monday off because he can say "See you next Tuesday" when he leaves and no-one bats an eyelid. I just shouted "Theresa May" as I left. Same thing.

How can you tell if a car mechanic is gay? His dick tastes like shit

What do you call a chav in a box? Innit What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted What do you call a chav on a street corner? A cunt