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In her will, it appears Sarah Harding asked for files of Girls Aloud's hits on an mp3 player to be placed in her coffin, including... ...wait for it... The Sound Of The Underground.

At 5.15 on BBC1, two pricks blow smoke up each other's asses, patronise their audience and throw facts out that you immediately forget, then smarm about how well everyone is doing. Due to this government COVID update, Pointless has moved to BBC2.

RIP John Challis, at least he's now touching the Green Green Grass of home.

Jimmy Greaves is accepted into Heaven due to having been in the 66 World Cup squad. After 100 years without a drink, he asks permission to go and visit George Best in the other place. After a bit of haggling, he gets 24 hours. On arrival in the pit, he is directed to George who is sitting on a comfy bed surrounded by gorgeous girls and near a fully stocked bar. And he looks well pissed off. Jimmy greets him and says, 'I don't get it mate. You seem to have everything you want, yet you've got a face like a well-smacked bum. What is it?' George replies, 'It's absolute hell down here, I tell you.' Jimmy is puzzled but says, ''Well, I knew a piss artist like you would never go short, so can I help meself?' George laughs sarcastically and says, 'Help yourself, Greavesie.' So Jimmy picks up a bottle of Scotch and starts to pour, only to find the neck is sealed with thick glass. He tries another and another, all exactly the same. He says, 'Bestie, these bottles ain't got 'oles in 'em.'.... ....punchline.... Best looks at the girls and says, 'I told you it was Hell.'

Jimmy Greaves is accepted into Heaven due to having been in the 66 World Cup squad. After 100 years without a drink, he asks permission to go and visit George Best in the other place. After a bit of haggling, he gets 24 hours. On arrival in the pit, he is directed to George who is sitting on a comfy bed surrounded by gorgeous girls and near a fully stocked bar. And he looks well pissed off. Jimmy greets him and says, 'I don't get it mate. You seem to have everything you want, yet you've got a face like a well-smacked bum. What is it?' George replies, 'It's absolute hell down here, I tell you.' Jimmy is puzzled but says, 'Well, I knew a piss artist like you would never go short, so can I help meself?' George laughs sarcastically and says, 'Help yourself, Greavesie.' So Jimmy picks up a bottle of Scotch and starts to pour, only to find the neck is sealed with thick glass. He tries another and another, all exactly the same. He says, 'Bestie, these bottles ain't got 'oles in 'em.'.... ....punchline.... Best looks at the girls and says, 'I told you it was Hell.'

-What should you say when three fat fucks, a nigger, a paki and a mick walk in the room? -"The Chase is on."

A haggis walks into a bar. Barman says, "I can't serve you, you're bladdered."

I was going to train to be a proctologist, but I couldn't be arsed.

A lorryload of stone toilets was hijacked this afternoon. Police say they have nothing concrete to go on.

Prince Andrew calls his US lawyer and says, "Can you get me off this sexual assault charge one and for all?" The lawyer replies, "No sweat." Andrew says, "Oh, so you've worked on my alibi?"