Sickipedia

My son said I’m obsessed with coffee. I gave him a roasting and then told him he was grounded.

Pregnant Amy Schumer cancels shows after being admitted to hospital. I never knew she was pregnant. Was she raped by mistake?

Decided after a long while to register. I’ve been a long time user (I remember the old site). I always log on and have a read and was put off by the trolls. They now seem to be a minority, and good folks comments (notably Weaverdog) and their bonafide rib-ticklers are what make this site. I’ve decided to come out of the woodwork (not like a puff does from his wardrobe) and contribute. My jokes will be shit - but I can offer comments. It’s clear that this a community and the only way it will improve is if we all do our bit. If you log on to the site when you’re taking a shit at work, and aren’t a cunt - register and say something pleasant :)

People who use stupid phrases piss me off. “It is what it is...” Of fucking course it is - what else could it possibly be? “I’m just going to take things a day at a time.” Of fucking course you are - you cant consolidate your week into easier to manage chunks like you’re some kind of time lord. “You can’t have your cake and eat it” Yes I fucking can. Unless it’s carrot cake because that’s shit. Feel free to add your own.

I just lost my job manufacturing keyboards. Apparently I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.

A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and sporting a shot gun. “Open the fucking trill!”

Wasp. Your wife is so fat. She got kicked off a dating app because users were complaining about having to swipe left for 3 hours before her large face disappeared from their phones.

People who get common phrases wrong or use them out of context piss me off. I’ll be chomping on the bait if you comment with the worse examples.

I’ve just text Philip Schofield to see if he wants to buy my car. It’s 15 years old and a good runner.

Do bakers with down syndrome give the dough special kneads?