Sickipedia

I saw the first Christmas decorations up in the shops today. I thought "fucking hell, is it February already?"

We're trying to decide between getting a dog or cat as a pet. My wife thinks that dogs are more loyal, while cats are less trouble to look after. While I'm thinking that dogs are better for sex, but cats are tastier in an emergency.

How do you make a Black Russian? Get the BBC to remake Dr Zhivago.

In an unexpected twist, Prince Andrew is now paying Virginia Giuffre to keep her mouth closed.

Ranking Roger has died age 56. I'm hoping Jonathan Ross will do the eulogy.

I'm the best Assistant DJ in the entire world. In fact, I hold the record.

Arranging to meet my blind date this weekend, I described myself and then asked how I might recognise her. "You can't miss me," she replied. "I'll be wearing a poppy."

39 people have just realised that Trip Advisor needs updating. The four stars wasn't a hotel guide, it was the freezer rating.

Now that wearing masks is optional, I'm taking my cue from the staff of whichever store I'm shopping in. If most of them have masks on I'll wear one too. If most of them aren't, I don't bother. For example, I was in a massive LIDL superstore this morning. Only one solitary member of staff was wearing a mask. The other bloke wasn't wearing one, so neither did I.

The picture on the front of Spare isn't much of a likeness. In fact, it's hard to tell Hewitt is.