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I saw a sign today that made me piss myself. It said "TOILETS CLOSED"

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "Not very good at maths".

Apparently, only 95% of men know how to turn on a dishwasher. Personally I always find that licking her nipples and lightly fingering her pussy does the trick.

I took a new girlfriend out for a meal the other evening. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu, Caviar, Lobster and Champagne, I'd just about scraped up enough cash to pay for it, but I would be potless after. I said sarcastically "Does your mother feed you like that at home"? She replied "No, but my mothers' not expecting a blow job tonight is she"? "Bon appetite", I replied

The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is: A Blue one.

I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra. I ended up having forty wanks.

The Department For Political Correctness have announced that the climate in the UK will no longer be referred to as "British Weather" Rather than offend a sizeable proportion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather". That being partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

Piers Morgan picked up the phone one day and a voice said "Is that Piers Morgan"? He replied "Yes, can I help you"? The voice then said " Well, I hope so, you see I came into an office stationary outlet and asked for a Dictaphone and they gave me your number"

I don't quite know what this country is coming to, you have school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. I don't know if I should carry more money or more sweets.

A bloke goes into the Barbers, the Barber is in a mood and a right miserable git He sits down and the Barber says "Going on holiday then"? The guy replies "Yes ,me and the wife are going to Rome", the Barber says "I wouldn't bother mate, we went last month and it was shit, who are you flying with Al Italia"? The guy replies "Yes" The Barber says "We flew with them ,they were shit, I bet you're going to the Vatican to see the Pope as well"? The guy replies "Yes, me and the wife are devout Catholics" The Barber says "I knew it ,so predictable, me and the wife went there, it was shit" A couple of months go by and one morning the bloke walks into the Barbers,the Barber recognises him and says "You're the guy who went to Rome, shit isn't it"? The guy replies "Actually it was wonderful, the weather, people and the food were all fabulous" "What about Al Italia, they're shit aren't they"? said the Barber "Actually we got upgraded and the flight was great" replies the guy "How was the Vatican then? I bet it was shit" asks the Barber The guy replies "Actually it was brilliant, the Swiss Guard came out and selected me and the wife and ten other people for a private audience with His Holiness, we were taken into his private study, where we held prayers and then the Pope laid his hand on our heads and blessed us" The Barber asks "Did he say anything to you"? The guy said "Yes, he said "Who cut your hair? it's fucking shit"