Sickipedia

Why are there TV adverts for toilet roll? Who's not buying it?

'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'. Too fucking right they do, I'm a benefits advisor.

"I'm not racist," I said to my mate, "but I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "...but that's not racist," he said. "Exactly," I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

I went into a Witherspoon's today, I smiled at the bloke and said "How long did it take you to get to the Gents?" He told me "after walking upstairs and navigating to the rope bridge with my compass probably about 35 minutes" then he walked out of the men's toilets. Credit: Microwave Let's keep em coming

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, my wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?" "He's better company," I replied, putting the phone down. (credit Harryspiv Old Siki)

I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run.

My cat just swallowed £20 At least I know thier be some money in the kitty for the vets bill.

Some people write the most pointless things on Facebook. I've just seen a status saying: 'I'm sitting here with a cup of tea, I can't believe how fucking cold it is!!! Is that really worth putting on Facebook? Just make yourself fresh one.

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree to get ahead the rush this year. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

I've just bought a house with old period features. She fucking hates it when I call her that.